I'm back back back back back again...

So it’s been a while since I’ve written anything. And there are a lot of reasons for that. Work was insane then there were the holidays then I also got sick then I got dumped then I started a wonderful new relationship then work got even busier and then I got sick again and then I went through a few weeks of medication withdrawal and then I realized I had worked myself beyond my capacity and was devoid of the energy or emotion to reflect on my life. Just to name a few of those things.

It is abundantly clear to me that in the times when I feel least inclined to reflect or write, I am most in need of a reflection/writing session. No matter how I justify it or reason through it, an unwillingness or inability on my part to reflect is almost always indicative of my trying to avoid my emotions. I use work, personal life, and even fatigue from my chronic pain as an excuse, but the reality is, I am desperately looking for any way to make it seem alright that I am blocking out my feelings.

Well, friends (and strangers), let me tell you something my therapist always tells me that I know to be true and subsequently always ignore - when we won’t mentally process our emotions, our bodies will process them for us. Case in point, I am laying on two ice packs and a heating pad after a cry-filled yoga session on my back porch that was interrupted twice by the urge to simultaneously shit and vomit. I have been pushing myself and pushing myself all while ignoring the warning signs my body has been sending me and, as has happened so many times before, my body finally said, “I’M NOT GOING TO BE IGNORED, DAN!” Nevermind why my body called me Dan, just understand that like Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction, my body has resorted to extreme measures to get my attention.

And so here I am, trying to make sense of where I’ve landed after a few months of ups and downs, twists and turns, and carefully calculated emotional numbing that has resulted in an extreme outburst of physical pain.

I have a lot to catch you up on. I’m not even really sure where to start. All I can say right now is that I feel scared/uncertain. Last time I did this to myself I was violently ill for almost 3 weeks and spent hundreds of dollars trying to get things back on track. If I’m being honest, my body hasn’t been the same for almost 6 months now. I have really lost my way when it comes to self-care and am trying to get back to a better system. I don’t think this time will be as bad as the last, but with chronic pain, you truly never know.

So, send me some good vibes and maybe also some leftover prescription narcotics if you’ve got them. More to come soon.

Peace and love

Adam