Voice and choice: a step-by-step guide to deciding how empty or full that fucking glass is...

Hey there, blog readers! So you came back for more, eh? They always do…that’s not true, but I digress. So last week I told you all a little about my trip to Asheville and how my chronic pain, anxiety, and depression stopped me from travelling and gave me that sense of being trapped in one place; physically and emotionally. As I started thinking about this week’s post, I thought about how stressed I’ve been and how good it felt to take get away for a while and unplug. After all I’ve experienced in the past few years, I know the value in committing to self care, and yet there are so many times when I choose to not take care of myself. Which leads me to today’s topic:

As per usual, we’re taking the long way to get to my point, but I promise, we’ll get there eventually.

You know that saying? The one that goes something like, “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change blah blah blah blah blah”? I’ll be honest, not a huge fan of the quote itself. It’s like the quote version of the Top 40 song you used to love until it was on EVERY TIME you turned on the radio. I’ve seen this quote plastered on bumper stickers, canvases, wall décor, even in tattoo form. It’s quote-inspiration overload. While I may scoff every time someone’s email tagline includes said overused quote, I really do think there is something behind it.

After three years of therapy, I can anticipate what my therapist is going to say to me. The same works in reverse. Weekly meetings for 3+ years will create that sort of familiarity, ya know? There is one statement that has come up time and time again, one I could do an SNL worthy impersonation of my therapist saying, and it goes something like **in full zen, it’s neither good or bad, it simply is, therapist voice**: “Ok, so you have a choice here, Adam…”

Ugggggghhhhhh. That’s my usual reaction, by the way. LOTS of eye rolling, grunting, and generally expressing my disdain for having reached this point, yet again, where I have to recognize the fact that I’m in a shame/anxiety/self-pity spiral and actively pull myself out with some kind of happy hippie gratitude bullshit. FAAAAAAACK. Can’t a girl just wallow in her own despair for a lifetime? GEEEEEEZE.

All jokes aside, the fact of the matter is, we have SO MUCH agency in our lives, if only we could see it. We have almost complete control over the perspective through which we view our lives and all the things that happen to us. Granted, there are genuine medical conditions, like the chemical imbalance of depression, that can impact this agency, but the fact remains, we have voice, and we have choice. Always. (TEN POINTS FOR GRYFFINDOR for using educational lingo!) We get to choose how we take in each and every experience life throws our way. We get to determine how we react to every situation we encounter. We get to determine whether we want to experience joy or not. Isn’t that crazy?

I took a positive psychology course in college, and so I basically have a degree in this kind of stuff. Obviously not true, but what I do remember learning is that research shows about 50% of our ability to experience positive emotions is genetic. So some people are just naturally glass half empty kind of people. BUT! And it’s a big but *wink wink*, that means we have control over the other 50%. I’m no mathematician or nothing, but that’s kinda a lot. Like….almost half…

So, if we have SO MUCH agency, why do we get upset? Why do we choose not to be happy?

So my experience has been thus:

1. Somewhere along the way, I internalized the idea that I don’t deserve good things. Whenever anything good happens, I question whether or not I worked hard enough to deserve it, and the answer to that is usually no. Thus, I don’t celebrate the good stuff.

2. My anxiety functions in such a way that it narrows my view completely onto the issue at hand. Whereas I usually consider myself a very objective person, one who can see all sides and imagine multiple outcomes/solutions, when I get into a spiral, I lose sight of everything else. Whatever has triggered me becomes the main focus and I lose that clarity and calmness. In short, I freak the fuck out.

3. Depression, for me, took so much of my energy and life force that I didn’t feel like I had the agency to do just about anything. I felt like I didn’t have the strength to make any choices at all, even the bad ones. I kind of just let life happen while I watched as a bystander.

As a result of these things, I developed habits and patterns. My lens for life became one of lack, comparison, fear, and “I don’t deserve this”. It became involuntary. I started to perceive the entirety of my life through these lenses until I found myself, broken down, in a really shitty place. Like that gas station you didn’t want to pull over to and pee in, but you’ve got and hour left on your drive down the highway so you had to do it and it’s just as bad/worse than you thought it would be – that kinda place. Except you’re stuck.

So, this is where I’d like to impart some wisdom. After three years in the therapy game, I’ve got some pretty sexy mental health strategies up the sleeves I almost always cut off my shirts. Here’s been my therapist and I’s method to regaining control of voice and choice:

1. Get support when you need it: friends are great, but a therapist went to school for this shit. My therapist holds me accountable, she uses proven, studied psychology methods to help me. My friends buy me diet coke and cigarettes when I’m stressed, not exactly the same level of support. Also, if support means medication, then so be it. My journey out of the depths of depression included several months of Zoloft. It was a decision I thought about a lot and made with the help of multiple medical providers. It was just the kickstart I needed.

2. Learn your triggers and behaviors: the next step in the process is to learn the lenses you are currently using. Reflect back on some recent experiences. How did you react to them? Ask yourself, why did I react that way? Why do I feel this way about that situation? Could I look at it differently? How does the way I am viewing it serve me? In doing so, you will identify where you’re at, and also what triggers those involuntary patterns and habits we’ve discussed. You’ll also start to see that your current lens serves you in a way that is only temporary. Note, if you can get here, this is a HUGE step. It took me probably two years to get to this phase and I am still mostly here, with the occasional dip into Step 3.

3. Shift your perspective: now that you know how you’re reacting to things and why, figure out how you want to view your world. Do you want a lens of joy? Curiosity? Intention? Dedication? Whatever it is, when you catch yourself viewing something through your old lens, make the active choice to shift to the new. Even if it doesn’t feel completely authentic, at least consider your new lens. Once you see the situation through both lenses, decide, which one serves you better?

4. Make this new lens automatic: at the final step, we have nirvana. At this stage in the game, you have caught yourself using your old lens and shifted so many times, that viewing life through the new lens starts to become automatic. The amount of time you spend shifting lessens because you’re already seeing things the way you want. Congratulations on making it here, you have become self-actualized!

Of course, this is all easier said than done. Everyone’s journey is different. We are human; we will struggle. But, consider how cool it is that we have a choice in how much we struggle. Choices, choices, they’re all around us. So, this week, I challenge you to take a look at your life. How are you viewing your world? If you notice areas of your life where you want things to be different, take a chance, make the choice to shift your perspective and make it different. See how strong and capable you are and dig into that well of worth to pull out the life you deserve.

Thanks for reading.

Peace and love

Adam