That time I let a stranger mar my body with a needle...aka my first tattoo

ndakasimba kana makasimbawo

lyrics from the Dispatch song, “Elias” that translate to, “I am strong if you are strong.”

There are times when I wonder how in the world I ended up with nine tattoos. I think growing up, I really kind of bought into that sort of pervasive mindset that tattoos were reserved for a particular set of people, and that I was not one of those kinds of people. Tattoos were for people who were wild and crazy and rode motorcycles and wore leather and were mad at their parents and who didn’t care about getting a job. All silly ideas of course, but I think that even just 10-15 years ago, tattoos still really came with a lot of stigma and judgment. My generation has really kind of broken that mold, and now I am hard-pressed to find a friend who doesn’t have a tattoo or who hasn’t been concocting the idea for one for months or years.

I can remember my sister getting her first tattoo, a tribute to our late grandfather. It really started to break down that mindset for me and the realm of possibility started to open. Ashley got a few more small, carefully placed tattoos during college and I quickly shifted to space where I knew I would get one. It was perfect timing, really, I was turning 18 soon, I had enrolled at Boston University, and I was ready to start the new chapter of my life. I also thought I would look COOL AS FUCK in my new chapter of life if I had a tattoo. It all fit together so well.

So I waited and I planned. To be honest, I don’t remember all that much about the planning process. But I remember fairly quickly settling on the idea of an arm tattoo. It seemed innocuous enough. It would be easy to cover, didn’t seem like it would hurt to bad, and of course, as mentioned before, it was gonna look SUPER FUCKING COOL. This was always the added benefit in my head. While I no longer subscribed to that old mindset about tattoos, I knew others still did, and so I knew that by proxy, people would think I was cool and wild and maybe owned a leather jacket. I KNEW THIS TO BE TRUE.

It’s been almost a decade since I got this first tattoo, which is insane and another story in itself. I don’t remember exactly how I settled on these particular lyrics, but I do remember why I chose this song. Herein starts a roundabout story. I promise if you stick with me, it will all loop back around:

My high school friends are incredible people. Just like, the top fucking tier of people. They are intelligent, kind, caring, passionate humans. All of them. And yes, in case you were wondering, they are better than your high school friends. Here are some of those beautiful motherfuckers in all our our high school glory:

My middle school and early high school experience was very much plagued with the depression and anxiety that came from genetics, predisposition, and the fact that I was secretly gay. The way that I internalized my own sexuality and the messages I received from the world are another whole life story entirely, but I do think it is important to note that anxiety and depression run deep in my family history, and I think that this, of course, only added to the detrimental ways in which I came to understand and process my sexuality and what that meant for me in life.

So as I’m sure many of my high school friends can recall, I was a VERY moody and emotional kid. I often isolated myself, lashed out, and shifted dispositions at the drop of a hat. I struggled immensely with anxiety and depression for years and that reflected in my ability to develop and maintain meaningful friendships.

And then, one day, these incredible fucking people came into my life. And they stayed in my life. And we grew together. And we supported one another. And in what became one of the most formative experiences of my youth, we sang together. I have such a limited memory when it comes to my childhood and adolescence, in part because I suppose I just blocked out a life that felt, at many points, inauthentic. What I do remember, though, and what I will never forget is sitting around a campfire with my friends while someone (usually Michael) plucked an acoustic guitar and we sang. I mean it sounds sort of simple, but there is honestly so much fucking depth there. To be 16 years old and to sit in a circle with your friends singing your favorite songs with no fear of judgment and the complete, palpable understanding that you are safe and cared for…I mean…it’s the most beautiful feeling in the world.

So many nights we would gather around a small fire and sing Jack Johnson, Sublime, and most often, Dispatch. In addition to being super fucking cool/incredible people, my friends have great taste in music. And I remember being introduced to Dispatch in high school and quickly falling in love with their music. It is poetic, it’s conscious, it’s meaningful, and it’s light. Everything I love in a bit of music.

I lived for these moments. These moments helped to shape me into who I am today. These moments created a sense of safety, community, understanding, and above all, just the feelings of being connected to something bigger than yourself. We were a network of people. Life was scary and uncertain, but in those moments, we held each other and you just knew that everything would be alright. These are moments I wish that everyone would have in life. They are moments I will never forget.

And so, rounding back to the whole point of this story, when it came time to design my first tattoo, I thought about the things that mattered most to me. I thought about my friends, and I thought about these moments around the fire. I thought about the choruses we sang. It became clear that lyrics were the way to go. For me, it was less about the lyrics themselves. I love the song Elias. At the time, I thought I would eventually join the Peace Corps and head to Africa to serve the world’s needs, and so the song really spoke to that. More than anything though, as I was leaving high school and embarking on my college journey in a new and busy city, I wanted something to cement for me these incredible moments I had shared with these incredible people.

In truth this is always how I think about my tattoos. Each piece has meaning in itself, but more than anything, they are symbols of something so much larger, so much deeper. These are more than just words to a really great and impactful song; they are a daily reminder of every gathering around those fires. They represent all that I know and value about relationship building and human connection. They remind me of how I want to live my life and of how blessed I am to have experienced growth and development amongst such an incredible group of human beings. I look at these words and I am reminded that I am part of a larger network in life. I am reminded of how I want to interact and experience the world and the people around me.

I love this tattoo, and even moreso, I love the journey this one decision has spawned for me. It is also never lost on me that this journey started at a place called “Double D’s Tattoo Parlor” (LAWL) in West Chester, PA. I visited my sister at her apartment in college. She took me to the parlor, we made a plan, and that was that. A ton of sweating and grimacing later, I had my first tattoo and I was, as I expected, EXPONENTIALLY cooler for having it. Years later through kind of crazy circumstances I would have the opportunity to meet the man who wrote the song Elias and fangirl HARDCORE while also showing him my tattoo, thus cementing my status as a psycho in his mind. But how cool is that?

So that is how it all began. Eight more tattoos/stories and counting…

Thanks for listening.